July 1863

News [that] Vicksburg [is] taken & our [Confederate] forces whipped at Helena. [2]

July 9, 1863

July 10, 1863

July 11, 1863

Saw [Capt.] Syberg. Saw Sam Adams. Said his father was going to send him to Marietta, Georgia to school. After what [Capt. John D.] Adams has said, that is outrageous. Disappointment. I would not care, but with Capt. Adam’s influence, I could keep out of the army. But that is the way of the world. It matters not how much pain is inflicted, providing they gain their own end. Today I was talking to Lewis [Adamson] about staying late at church nights. He replied, “That was the preacher’s fault. It is not my fault, no indeed, it is not my fault, it is the preacher’s fault.”

There is a fellow here by the name of Banks [3] – a tall grizzle-headed, sour villainous looking fellow who was put into the prison some time ago. After his time was out, he set up a boarding house with another fellow. Banks became free with the man’s wife & the husband shot him & killed him.

July 21, 1863

Down the street. Saw Capt. [John D.] Adams and he thought of sending his son to a military school.

July 22, 1863

July 23, 1863

July 24, 1863

Friday. Down to [Capt.] Syberg’s. He treats me coldly. They will order out the militia [for the defense of the Capitol]. There is a report that Texas has gone [out] of the Confederate States. Studying German with [Ernest] Weidemann.

July 25, 1863

Down the street. He [Syberg] is mad at me for some reason or another. He says that he is going to get married to Stout’s sister. He acts like a fool. He is kissing & hugging that brat of a boy of his. He also says that if the militia are ordered out, he will get an appointment, but will not do anything for me.

July 26, 1863

July 27, 1863

July 28, 1863

Down the street. Nothing new. Afternoon, saw Weidemann. At evening, house full of soldiers.

July 29, 1863

July 30, 1863

July 31, 1863

Down the street. The militia are called out. I will have to go. [Capt.] Syberg is as cold as ever he was to me. He does not offer to help me at all. So old fellow [Capt.] Adams and [Capt.] Syberg, when I was prosperous, are fine to me. But when I am in trouble, they drop me like a hot potato. I have a notion – if ever I teach again – you will beseech in earnest to get into my school. Sheridan has got back. He expected to go to Richmond but he would not tell what for because I was near. I am certain that I have been as kind to the fellow as Syberg. Surely I have not wished him dead as Syberg has so he could get his negro & horse.

I am gloomy and feel that I have been deserted by all who should assist me. I never was made to gain love or respect. I never was made to gain disinterested friends. No one counsels or assists except to their own advantage. I think I have done enough to deserve some kindness & I vow if I should save this old wench [Mrs. Adamson] here with her life, she would never think of me in kindness, never trust me so much as she would her darling Henry Moore, if he should undertake to kill her, whom she calls her son. A son!! – a thing her barren womb never hoped to bring forth.

Deserted on all sides, my expectations crushed, I am left alone – alone I will remain, compelled to fight in a cause for which I have no interest and against my parents, if living, my brothers and relatives & friends. [4] I begin to feel that I am wholly indifferent of what may take place. I have been nothing more than a cork vessel tossed on the rough current of life, dashed hither and thither, God only knows where. Such I have been, and such I can be yet. O God, let me not complain of my lot in life, but gracious Lord, give me strength to oppose all the obstacles which the vicissitudes of life bring against me. O God, direct me into the path of duty. Give me strength to do thy will. Protect me wherever I may be placed. Be gracious to me & make me prosperous, if it be thy will. O heavenly Father & my Redeemer, help me to be a better man. Renew my spirit. Cast out the old Adam & give me a clean heart.

[1] Though Goodrich made no mention of it in his diary, young Miss Annie E. Cowgill wrote in her diary on this day that there was “a great deal of difference between this [Fourth of July] and the one three years ago” in Little Rock. Apparently the Confederate States of America made no effort to celebrate the traditional American holiday.

[2] Goodrich’s brief diary entry suggests that he had no idea his older brother James was serving in the Fifth Kansas Cavalry and deployed as part of the Federal defenses surrounding the Mississippi port of Helena, Arkansas. The Confederate forces under the command of Lt. Gen. Theophilus Holmes failed miserably in coordinating their pointless attack upon the river port and were repulsed with heavy losses.

[3] Probably William Banks, born about 1826 in Virginia, who was serving time in the state prison at Little Rock in 1860 for larceny.

[4] Ironically, Ralph Goodrich’s father had passed away less than three weeks previous to this diary entry on 11 July 1863. Cut off from correspondence with his family living in New York, Goodrich would not learn of his father’s death until mid-September.

The Diaries of Ralph Leland Goodrich, 1859-1867